I could make wine with my vomit
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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