Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
