I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
