I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
