This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
