im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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