I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
