Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
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I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
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This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.