i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
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