smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
