I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Randomize
