Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
