I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
