she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
