I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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