If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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