I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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