i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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