Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
