i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
