Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
