Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
You are a genius and a whore.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
