the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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