i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Randomize
