1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
