I faked an abortion last night.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
