i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
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After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
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Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
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