I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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