sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
