i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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