I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
The air taste purple.
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