I don't usually arrange sex via text message
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
