I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
