i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
