Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
