If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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