I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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