On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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