Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
