I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
