got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
