I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
