I'm gonna have a badass scar
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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