saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
