Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
