Umm I'm too high to move.
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
