Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
