I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
