Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
