if you like me you must not know who I am
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
