For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
We're too hungover to prance.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
