i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
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Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
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It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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