You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
