If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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