hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
