So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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