Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
